UPDATE: AITA for refusing to babysit my nephews again for free?
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/OqtdD2SBkj
TLDR: My (29 f) sister C (27 f) has two boys (3.5 and 2) and C uses me as a free babysitter almost every day. It's gotten worse with her name calling me if I have other plans and her punishing me and the kids next time by leaving the house messy and not preparing food, only coming home after I've done what she demanded (clean, cook, bath time etc). I finally told her I can't do this anymore and made her choose to either go low contact or agree to my terms watching the boys in the future.
Update: A lot has happened. I'm trying to write concisely.
During the first 24h after me telling her that ultimatum I decided not to answer her calls or texts to let her cool down. She called 77 times, send over a 100 texts and voice messages. They're mostly just her calling me a horrible person who abandons her family.
I outlined a few rules with my fiance's help for the future if she comes to her senses and agrees to my terms. I wanted them to be ready even though it looked like she will never come around. I had conditions like I could watch them up to 3 times in 2 weeks, not more than 4 hours at a time. Meals needed to be provided. No bath time or bed time. I'm not spending any money.
I got messages from an unknown number (fiance says it's an app or something) saying how horrible of a sister I am because now they have to watch their mom die alone without C there to comfort them. Based on the suspitions I had earlier and the language similarities I think this was my sister pretending to be her friend.
I talked to my supervisor on Friday afternoon and asked for her opinion. I first asked if it was ok to talk about personal stuff and she was great about it. I don't work with children and CPS has never been a part of my work so I wanted to double check with someone more senior. We made a report together on C. The supervisor said it's better to do so especially now that it's escalated and she might retaliate against me by hurting the boys in some way as she's obviously not above that.
I'm probably going to give her next week to cool off before resuming contact, and depending on what the messages/voice messages say then, I might contact her. If they are as abusive as now, I probably won't respond at all. It makes me unbelievably upset but I hope the boys will also get a more stable environment without me as she's using them as pawns with me.
Fiance says hello and wants everyone to know he's here for me and wants to assure everyone I'm not really that bad of a doormat, just for C for some reason.
I'm looking into counceling through my work, it's too expensive out of pocket.
Thanks for the messages and the shift kicks I obviously needed. For some reason I've become blind to my sister's behaviour and was only concerned whether I'd lose the boys from my life. Probably will update when/if I resume contact with my sister if people want to know how it goes.
NEW UPDATE 22nd Feb
I've been getting dm's asking for an update, I posted one in the comments on the weekend but putting it here also for visibility:
Boring update but my fiance unblocked C for a few hours to see if she was still messaging abusive stuff, she was. Nothing new there.
CPS called and asked for more info, which I provided. They wanted to know specific dates and whether I had proof, and I sent them a lot of screeenshots of messages with C. I chose to make the report with my name on it as I felt like it added credibility. And it also kind of felt like a punishment for me to use my name especially after waiting so long to make the report, meaning my sister could now also know for sure it was me who made the report and I'd face the consequences for it.
I've had one zoom appointment with a psychologist through my work, it's been great so far and I already got homework on boundaries. Seems fast but she said they're trained to move quickly as we are usually provided 5 visits and there should be progress in that time.
I haven't heard from C or the kids other than the abusive messages. I'm ashamed to say I've driven by the house a couple of times just to see if everything looks normal and it does.
I had a talk with my fiance after a commenter suggested the kids might need to be removed from C and if we were planning on fostering/whatever if it came to that. We aren't. We don't want kids and have known that from the beginning. The day to day life as a family with kids sounds absolutely horrible to be honest, there's nothing that appeals to us. We don't even want pets. We would become resentful and probably would lose ourselves in the process if we went there.
I don't know how much there is to update after this, maybe if the contact resumes, but honestly I'm afraid to send her anything as she's just insulting me, I don't think she'd even really read what I wrote if I tried.
ANOTHER UPDATE 26th Feb
Today was my birthday (I'm 30, yay) and I just had an ordinary work day. When I got home my sister was waiting for me. Fiance wasn't home yet.
C congratulated me and actually seemed "normal" at first but when I couldn't behave like I normally would (attentive, asking how I could help her etc) she got irritated. She said she'd known I never loved the boys and was only jealous I didn't have kids, I tried to make them love me more and then I'd falsify reports to CPS and get custody. I actually kind of laughed it was so ridiculous. I told her I don't even want kids and wouldn't take hers even if they were offered. Might have been a cruel thing to say but I'm just so tired.
She somehow got angrier and saying how horrible the boys will now feel knowing I'd abandoned them and proving I didn't love them. I knew I couldn't win with her so I just asked she why she was here and where the kids were. C said their whereabouts were none of my business (fair enough) and she was here to tell me I'd never see them again. I'd accepted that as a possibility (or even probable) so I didn't really react which made her even angrier. She tried to grab me but I'd stood about 6ft away so she couldn't reach me and I just ran inside the building and closed the door behind me (luckily it locks automatically). She followed so I shouted through the door that I would call the police if she didn't leave. She kicked the door and left without saying anything. I went to our apartment and sat on the floor. My hands were shaking so I couldn't write but I made a voice recording on my phone on everything in case I need to contact the police or a lawyer or something.
After around 20mins just breathing the door lock ratteled and I got really scared until I understood it was my fiance getting home from work. I was still on the floor so he obviously freaked out. I told him everything and he said we should make a police report and also update the CPS people about C's irregular behaviour. I still feel weirded out reporting her because we endured much worse as kids and don't think anyone reported our parents, but my fiance asked if I would make this report at work if it was someone else's family. I said it's not fair as I don't work with kids for this exact reason, but I guess I'd report it.
It's getting late and I can't sleep, worrying about making the police report tomorrow and wondering what to tell the CPS. I guess I'll explain the whole thing and they decide what's relevant. Oh, CPS let us know on Monday (I think) that my sister is under investigation and the gave me the contact info for their case worker, so at least that report will be easy to make.