I found out the actual reason my mom lost custody of me, and I don’t know if I can ever look at her again
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Cold-Helicopter7395 posting in r/TrueOffMyChest
Concluded as per OOP
CONTENT WARNING: >! CHILD SEXUAL ASSAULT!<
1 update - Medium
Original - 24th November 2024
Update - 29th November 2024
I found out the actual reason my mom lost custody of me, and I don’t know if I can ever look at her again
I was removed from my mother’s care by DCFS when I was 11 years old due to allegations of SA posed against my step father.
He was convicted of those crimes, but took a plea deal which meant he’d be out by the time I was 13, and from what I can remember I don’t even know that he served those two full years anyway.
I was his primary victim, I don’t remember how old I was when it started but the earliest he admitted to was when I was 8. I don’t know if my mom knew before DCFS got involved or if she found out afterwards, but now I don’t think it would’ve mattered to her if she was aware.
After being put into temporary custody of the state while the legal issues were sorted out, eventually I was placed with a relative and her husband (who later adopted me when it was clear my mother wouldn’t be getting me back). My adoptive parents put me in therapy, got me the help I needed, did everything they could to make me feel safe again. Something they never prevented me from was speaking to my mother. I was always able to call or text her, and she was always allowed to come visit me but I could never go and see her. I didn’t really question it as a kid, I assumed it was some stipulation the courts made.
I believed growing up that the reason my mom hadn’t gotten me back was because of neglect I guess? I assumed that the court thought it was partly her fault that I had been left unattended with that man so often, or that it took someone else noticing I was physically injured for something to be done about it. My adoptive parents never challenged these assumptions I had, and they always told me that they would never stop me from having a relationship with my mom so long as that’s what I wanted.
Once I turned 18 my mom and I started talking more frequently but we didn’t see each other in person often. I never really thought much of it at first but as the years went by I started questioning the circumstances of my removal and subsequent adoption. I was confused as to why a woman with no prior issues with the law would have had her child taken from her in such a cut and dry way.
I decided to ask my adoptive parents about it, and they very gently informed me that my mother was told that in order for her to regain custody of me, her husband (my abuser) would be required to leave the home, and could not under any circumstances come near me. Not only because he was an offender but because I was the victim. My mother evidently could not meet these conditions, and so I was adopted by my relatives.
When I worked up the courage to ask my mom if it was true, she didn’t deny it. She told me she loved him. That he was a good man who made a mistake. They said that she could have her daughter or she could stay with her husband and so she chose him. She picked him over me.
I don’t even know what to do with the things I’m feeling now. I feel sick just thinking about it. She’s my mother, and she knew what he did. He was convicted of sexually abusing her 11 year old child and she refused to leave him. For the past 12 years she has willingly slept in a bed next to the man that assaulted her daughter. She has stayed married to the man who hurt me.
My adoptive parents said they were advised by the therapist to let me figure it out in my own time, as my mother, despite picking that man over me, never made any move to have me near him again. She just wasn’t willing to make him leave so that I could be with her. Evidently the therapist thought it would be more detrimental in the long run to keep me from communicating with my mother entirely.
None of that makes me feel better. The past two days have felt like a nightmare. I don’t understand how she could stay with him. I don’t understand why she chose a monster over her child. I’m trying to understand why my adoptive parents didn’t tell me but to be honest I don’t really understand their reasoning either.
My mom has been texting me, but I haven’t answered. I can’t even think about her without feeling nauseous or so angry I want to cry or both. My adoptive parents keep checking in on me, but I’ve only answered the phone for them because I don’t want them to drive here out of concern. I really don’t even know what to do anymore.
Edit:
I said this in a comment but I thought I’d clarify here too.
I’m not necessarily mad at my parents, I’m just overwhelmed with the reality of this situation. I don’t know how I feel but I know I need time to feel it. I am still in therapy, which is related to the abuse I experienced, so I do have a professional to rely on for guidance if I need it.
And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to speak to my mother again. I can’t get past this to forgive her or understand her reasoning and I’m not sure I will ever want to try.
Comments
MaryAnne0601
Your adoptive parents consulted with medical professionals on how to deal with this. They took that advice because they didn’t want to cause you more harm and because they love you. They were putting you first because you were their priority over their own feelings. How do I know that? Because I had a family member in a similar situation. It ripped them to pieces every time their child had contact with the parent that refused to protect them knowing that child was being harmed repeatedly. Everything your adoptive parents did they did out of love for you no matter how hard it was on them.
I will be honest. I don’t understand people like your mother. Children should be protected at all costs. At the very least you need time and distance from her. You may be able to forgive her but don’t trust her. If it were me that relationship would be over. If you’re not in counseling still then please find counseling. This is a horrendous thing to deal with and just too hard for a person to do on their own. Sending good thoughts and wishes for your healing.
Rich-Ad-4654
I agree with this.
Your adoptive parents ran the risk of losing you if they’d prevented you from contacting your mum. You wouldn’t have understood and if they told the reason, they’d risk re-traumatizing you.
Parents under “peace time” conditions don’t always get it right, let alone adoptive parents of a traumatized child.
You have every right to feel and process these thoughts/feelings about your adoptive parents. Just let them know that you’re working through it. It’s a huge revelation to come to terms with.
As for your mother. She made a choice to choose her own comfort and care. She paid for that comfort by sacrificing your physical and emotional safety. I would not be able to come back from this and would go no contact.
As a mother, I would not be able to be in the same room as a man who abused my child. You would see a level of violence explode from me that would border superhuman and I would face every legal consequence with gratitude for ending a monster.
I hate your mother and I don’t even know her.
I wish you healing OP. Please be gentle with your heart.
Forward-Two3846
Makes you wonder if the mother knew about the abuse before it was reported and just didn't say anything because sHe ĹoVeS HiM
goosepills
She knew. There’s no way it went on for years and she didn’t know. I just hope she didn’t have any more kids.
Update - 5 days later
Hello, I guess I wanted to write a little bit of an update. I didn’t expect that many people to see the post, honestly I just needed to vent and I didn’t want to dump any of that on my friends or family.
I had a therapy session earlier in the week, so I was able to bring this revelation up to my therapist and we’re going to work on ways to help me through processing this. That’s obviously something that’s going to take time, but I’m sure eventually I’ll find a way to live with it I guess. Right now I still don’t know how to unpack any of the feelings I have about this.
I do understand why my adoptive parents went about it the way they did. In the moment, being given that information was just a lot to comprehend/deal with and I felt betrayed. Not necessarily by them, but I think I did put some of those feelings onto them. That wasn’t really fair, and I did try to apologize but they aren’t upset with me for it, and they felt I didn’t have anything to be sorry for. They know first hand how difficult this is for me, and they told me they were already expecting the reaction I had. My adoptive mom said that if she had been in my shoes, she would have been upset too, even if that feeling wasn’t entirely directed at the right people.
I did speak to them about how I felt, and I asked if they could tell me a little more about why they decided to handle it the way they did. They said that when they got custody of me and saw all the ways the trauma from my earlier childhood manifested, they wanted to do everything to make sure I would be able to grow up as cared for and well adjusted as possible. When the therapist encouraged them not to tell me the truth or challenge my belief that I’d been removed from my mom because of neglect, they followed that advice. The doctors and my parents thought it best for me to realize/understand my mother’s choice on my own. They said that I had already been failed by so many adults in my life that were supposed to protect me, and that they didn’t want to add to that list.
My adoptive dad also mentioned wanting me to be able to enjoy at least part of my childhood without something like that revelation hanging over my head. Which, looking back at all of it, I really appreciate. I don’t remember much of my childhood up until I was put into my adoptive parents custody, and what I can remember isn’t great, but the childhood they gave me made up for that in spades.
I know the choices my adoptive parents made for me were made with my best interest in mind. I love them and I know everything they did was out of love for me too. I feel like people misinterpreted what I was saying in my last post about my feelings towards them so I just wanted to clarify that part of it.
Regarding my mother; I essentially told her that I wasn’t interested in speaking again given everything I know now. I don’t know how she took it because I’ve since blocked her number. My parents have agreed to reiterate that message for me if she contacts them, but Idon’t think she will.
I’m never reaching out to her again. I can’t do it. I think part of me is always going to be wondering why she did the things she did, but based on all the answers she’s given to my questions so far, I’m not sure her honesty would be very helpful to me in the long run.
Thank you for your words of encouragement and kindness. I really needed them in that moment and I truly appreciate you all for it.
Comments
foreverlullaby
"I'm not sure her honesty would be very helpful to me in the long run" there are so many situations this applies to, and human nature makes us seek out answers. I'm glad you are able to see that your mom's answers won't make this any better for you. I'm so proud of you
Old-Ninja-113
Wow you are strong / your adoptive parents are great people. They did it out of love and what other experts thought was the right decision. Your bio mom doesn’t seem like a good person.
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
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