struggling with adulthood

i’m 21F and as i’m transitioning into adulthood i’m becoming more aware of how fucked up my childhood has me. but the specific thing i want to talk about is how i feel like my mother literally set me up for failure. i feel like i have no sense of individuality and i don’t know how life works, i don’t know what to do with myself or where to start. it’s such a scary feeling because i’m getting older but i feel so stuck and my life is just passing by.

my whole life my mom has called me useless and good for nothing. she does this thing where she doesn’t let me do anything by myself because “i can’t do it right.” i’ve never had chores like cleaning the house and stuff only because she tells me that i can’t do it because im useless. the thing is she says this without even letting me try, so how would we know? she does it simply to belittle me.

it’s affecting me now as an adult because i actually can’t do shit. i have no idea how to cook or clean. if i even get near the kitchen to try to teach myself how to cook my mom throws a fit. she literally doesn’t let me and definitely won’t teach me anything at all either. i think she called me useless so much to the point where i actually became useless.

even in high school, there was a point in time for a while where she wouldn’t let me shower myself because again i “didn’t do it right” so every day she would wash my hair or make my dad do it as well. i always expressed how uncomfortable i was with this but she didn’t care. and it’s such a stupid thing to do, her mind is so twisted.

i feel so scared and unprepared for life. just existing makes me so anxious. and now i struggle with things like getting a job because i feel useless, i feel like i wont do anything right, so it gives me so much anxiety to be in the job hunting process. i hate that i still live at home, i really want to move out. i know once i have my own place, im gonna have to do a lot of teaching myself and learning.