I need help

I've been going through a hard time recently in my faith. I struggle to be confident that I'm going to heaven. I've done so many repeatedly terrible things that I don't think a true Christian could ever do. I've never had stability in my faith either. One week I could be confident that I'm saved through Jesus, and the other that I'm doomed.

I've never told anyone this but between the ages of 14 to 17 ( I'm 18 ), I went through a series of coming to God and then falling away because I wasn't sure I was saved due to my actions while proclaiming myself to be a Christian. I did this probably 8 times until January of last year where I saw a YouTube video, felt that it was directed toward me, got emotional and then thought that that was God calling me back. But now in the present day, I'm feeling unsure about how authentic or true I am about all of this. I don't have the desires a Christian should have, I don't see answered prayers, I'm afraid of going to hell, I disobey God in the simplest directives, I push God aside in order to sin, I don't feel sorrow or remorse after I sin, although I know that it's wrong and i have never said that i love Jesus because i dont think i really do. And I really do feel like on the day of judgment, because of these things and more, Christians are going to be rejoicing that I'm sent to hell because I've willingly, purposefully and knowingly profaned and stomped on God's name while proclaiming to be a Christian. It's one thing to sin and not think God exists, but it's an entirely different thing to willingly give into sin while proclaiming to be a seeker of God. And I'm on the fence about God loving everyone. I'm not sure he does, and I feel that if he doesn't love everyone, I'm the #1 target for his hatred because of this kind of stuff.

I could probably write a while book about what I'm experiencing, but I'll leave it here because even I don't like to read 500 word essays on here.

Its impossible, after tasting the Holy Spirit and coming to God, to fall away and then be brought back to repentance. I've come and left God 8 or more times. I feel this verse just speaks to me so clearly. This is a side of me that nobody knows about, and I'm honestly afraid to post this because I'm scared people are going to read the things all of this and just tell me that hell exists for people like me, which it does, but if there's any way I can be restored back to God at this point, I need the help, but just know at this time my motivations are avoiding hell and not loving God. How do I love God? If you read this, thanks.