Implantation failure #5

I do not know where I go from here. I told my husband yesterday that this is it, and I do not want to even do any transfers anymore. Six failed IUIs followed by 2 ERs , 1 fresh and 4 grozen transfers. Never seen a positive.

More than my body, my brain has given up. I hate my body now more than I ever have, I hate it when I feed myself food because I do not think this body deserves it. I smile because I do not want to see my husband see me in this state but I am broken beyond redemption now I think. I am numb, I do not care about this anymore. I did everything right, did not miss a single dose of meds, had all the painful injections, ran from hospital to work to hospital to get my shots ( my clinic doesnt let you take stimming injections home, you go there everyday to get the shots), forgotten what it was like to apply nailpaint, hated seeing myself in the mirror with all the body changes and weight fluctuations. And what for, to be sent a ‘not pregnant’ message at the end of the day. I have lost my will to sustain theough this process. I do not care anymore however I do wish this was not the case.

I am crying as I write this, i am crying since yesterday when I got my beta results. My transfer was perfect: the lining was perfect, embryos were beautiful day 5 textbook samples, and yet my body rejected them. Or may be they rejected me, my embryos rejected me all along this journey.

I feel so lonely even with a super supportive husband with me. His extra support during these negative betas annoys me more than it helps me, but I cant tell him that. I keep apologizing to him for my body that is keeping him away from fatherhood.

I am sorry I am rambling. I am spiraling.

EDIT: thankyou for the overwhelming response everyone. I cant thank this community for helping me keep my nerves calm. I am sorry for not responding to anyone. I am based in Asia and it was late night and I cried myself to sleep after making the post.