My father sent me this after I got 85 percentile in mains.. I'm ashamed of myself
I want someone to hear me out.(sorry for any grammatical mistakes).. I'm 20 M.. I'm currently in kota and preparing for JEE.. Last 2 yrs of my life is completely fucked up. I used to be a brilliant student in my school days.. I was topper in my class. I got 97 % in ICSE board.i got full marks in maths and bio. Later I choses PCM and wanted to give Jee. So I came kota and got enrolled in Allen. I started preparing sincerely and hard. I completed my class 11th with great success.. I was in top 10 students who were in my phase which consisted of 800 students. I got in best batch in 12th and teachers were absolutely fantastic. I got everything my way until mid of academic yr.. Till August I was like in top 200 students in 5000 students who were in my phase. In August I got affected by dengue and missed my classes for 2 weeks straight..After I got recovered I was unable to focus on my studies.. I just couldn't do it.. After a month I lost my hope.. And started procrastinating. I was unable to focus and felt like I was never for studying.. I started consuming sports and other entertainment.. Later I gave my Jee in jan without any single preparation from August.. Still I got 87 percentile.. I gave secondattempta without studying a single day and got 91 percentile.. I gave Jee advanced in may and scored 78 marks.. I'm from general Ews so this was not enough.. I thought to repeat and didn't left Kota..I got enrolled again in Allen and started studying hard for a month but again I got entangled in same procrastination and guilt trap of not studying.. This led to complete waste of six month I had before Jee mains 2025..i tried hard and hard to bounce back just to succumb to again in same path in 5-6 days.. I did it like 10 times each time failing.. Somehow I got courage to appear in mains in jan and without studying sincerely for 1 yr and 6 months ( from Aug of 2023) I still got 85 percentile.. When I sat in exam Hall I felt like I know every question and I'm able to solve easily.. I knew if I had studied a month seriously before mains I could get 99+ percentile.. But still I couldn't.. Not 2 days earlier I got the results and I'm unable to face anyone.. Only parents know about my results... I'm unable to tell the result to any of my frnds cuz everyone expected me to excel at it.. I'm unable to take calls from my frnds and I'm feeling ashamed of myself.. I'm getting so much suicidal thoughts although I know I'm not going to do any of that but still in back of mind I'm getting those thoughts.. I'm feeling like I would die..My classmate who was with me in 11 and 12th..who always got less marks than me till I studied sincerely is in IITD.. He got 2100 rank in jee advanced..he was always behind me but his hard work paid and he got there..I'm happy for him but now when I see my past days I feel like dying.. I know if I had studied sincerely in my last 6 months of 12th I would be studying in some iit by now.. I just fckd up my life in 1 nd half yrs..i just want to get those time back.. I want to just time travel to Aug 2023 when I got dengue and I should have never stoped studying from there. I just feel like a fcking loser who lost all his time to this stupid box of micro chip.. I don't how to process all these things.. I'm unable to tell my frnds whom we consider someone that we can count on feeling ashamed and guilty.. I even know if I study from here on I can get into a NIT by appearing in mains in April but I'm unable to focus and can't get over my failure. I'm ashamed cuz my parents are so helping and sincere.. Many would've lost their hope.. I just don't know what I'm gonna do... 😖
I want someone to hear me out.(sorry for any grammatical mistakes).. I'm 20 M.. I'm currently in kota and preparing for JEE.. Last 2 yrs of my life is completely fucked up. I used to be a brilliant student in my school days.. I was topper in my class. I got 97 % in ICSE board.i got full marks in maths and bio. Later I choses PCM and wanted to give Jee. So I came kota and got enrolled in Allen. I started preparing sincerely and hard. I completed my class 11th with great success.. I was in top 10 students who were in my phase which consisted of 800 students. I got in best batch in 12th and teachers were absolutely fantastic. I got everything my way until mid of academic yr.. Till August I was like in top 200 students in 5000 students who were in my phase. In August I got affected by dengue and missed my classes for 2 weeks straight..After I got recovered I was unable to focus on my studies.. I just couldn't do it.. After a month I lost my hope.. And started procrastinating. I was unable to focus and felt like I was never for studying.. I started consuming sports and other entertainment.. Later I gave my Jee in jan without any single preparation from August.. Still I got 87 percentile.. I gave secondattempta without studying a single day and got 91 percentile.. I gave Jee advanced in may and scored 78 marks.. I'm from general Ews so this was not enough.. I thought to repeat and didn't left Kota..I got enrolled again in Allen and started studying hard for a month but again I got entangled in same procrastination and guilt trap of not studying.. This led to complete waste of six month I had before Jee mains 2025..i tried hard and hard to bounce back just to succumb to again in same path in 5-6 days.. I did it like 10 times each time failing.. Somehow I got courage to appear in mains in jan and without studying sincerely for 1 yr and 6 months ( from Aug of 2023) I still got 85 percentile.. When I sat in exam Hall I felt like I know every question and I'm able to solve easily.. I knew if I had studied a month seriously before mains I could get 99+ percentile.. But still I couldn't.. Not 2 days earlier I got the results and I'm unable to face anyone.. Only parents know about my results... I'm unable to tell the result to any of my frnds cuz everyone expected me to excel at it.. I'm unable to take calls from my frnds and I'm feeling ashamed of myself.. I'm getting so much suicidal thoughts although I know I'm not going to do any of that but still in back of mind I'm getting those thoughts.. I'm feeling like I would die..My classmate who was with me in 11 and 12th..who always got less marks than me till I studied sincerely is in IITD.. He got 2100 rank in jee advanced..he was always behind me but his hard work paid and he got there..I'm happy for him but now when I see my past days I feel like dying.. I know if I had studied sincerely in my last 6 months of 12th I would be studying in some iit by now.. I just fckd up my life in 1 nd half yrs..i just want to get those time back.. I want to just time travel to Aug 2023 when I got dengue and I should have never stoped studying from there. I just feel like a fcking loser who lost all his time to this stupid box of micro chip.. I don't how to process all these things.. I'm unable to tell my frnds whom we consider someone that we can count on feeling ashamed and guilty.. I even know if I study from here on I can get into a NIT by appearing in mains in April but I'm unable to focus and can't get over my failure. I'm ashamed cuz my parents are so helping and sincere.. Many would've lost their hope.. I just don't know what I'm gonna do... 😖