I’m trans but I don’t want to be queer. (Trigger warning: lots of stereotypes and internalized transphobia)

I really want to be a girl, I’m incredibly jealous of women for their pretty clothes and hair and their sexy bodies, and really just want to look like them, I don’t want to have blue hair or crazy makeup or outlandish piercings all over my body. (I imagine myself being much more “girly girl princess,” vibes, but also some basic white bitch in there and some classy chic too.) Quite frankly, sometimes I get disgusted by those things (it’s definitely internalized transphobia, please don’t cancel me! I don’t want these feelings!) I just want to look pretty like how cis women look, I want to wear the girly outfits but also not look ridiculous. I want people to see me as normal.

It just feels like everyone in the trans community seems to embrace the queerness, but I really don’t want to. I don’t want to be an outcast any more than I already am! So is that ok? Am I allowed to reject that kind of fashion and expression while transitioning? Or do I just have to accept that being trans is queer and that I’m never going to be normal! Cause I would really hate that.

Update: I had a therapy session about this post and some of the comments and we discussed a lot of what you all said.

There were 3 main takeaways:

1) I can express myself however I want to and shouldn't feel compelled to dress/act in any particular way, just be myself. Also know that I am not alone and that the majority of trans women feel the same way I do about fashion.

2) It's ok to not identify with a specific term, even if a lot of people use it as an umbrella term to encompase a demographic that I belong to, if that term triggers me, and I don't like it, I don't have to identify with it, I just need to make sure I don't judge people who do identify with it.

3) When I say things that might trigger a certain group of trans people, I should expect them to get triggered and call me a transphobe. Obviously, i should work on being less judgemental of them, and be more careful with what I say, but also I shouldn't take it so personally when they get offended.