Marriage, Family Pressure, and Personal Choice – A Real Struggle
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh, I always think that Marriage is supposed to be a beautiful part of life, but for many, it becomes a source of stress and pressure especially when family expectations don’t align with personal choices, Whether you’re a man or a woman, this struggle is real, and it happens in so many cultures where parents still hold on to the idea that they should be the ones deciding who you marry.
Now, let’s be honest……
For women, the pressure is often greater, Many are told from a young age that marriage is their ultimate goal, and when the time comes, they’re expected to obey their family’s choice without question, The idea of a daughter choosing her own spouse is seen as disrespectful in some families, as if she’s rejecting her parents’ wisdom And when a woman wants to marry outside her culture? That’s when the emotional blackmail begins, “You’ll ruin the family name,” “We’ll never forgive you,” or the worst one, “We will disown you.”
For men, the struggle is different but still frustrating, While they technically have more freedom, many are still forced into marriages they don’t want because of family obligations, Parents expect their sons to marry within their culture to keep traditions alive, and if a man dares to reject their choice, he’s called ungrateful, disobedient, or even selfish And if he likes someone outside his ethnicity? Forget it, He’ll hear the same threats about “dishonoring the family.”
So, what’s really happening here?
The issue isn’t religion, it’s culture vs. Islam.
What Does Islam Actually Say?
1) A woman has the right to choose her husband, If she is forced, the marriage is invalid (Sunan Abu Dawood 2096, Ibn Majah 1873)
2) There is NO, requirement in Islam to marry within your own ethnicity, The Prophet ﷺ himself encouraged marriage beyond race and tribe.
3) Parents are meant to guide, not control, They can advise, but they cannot force a decision.
4) The most important factor in choosing a spouse is deen (religious character), NOT race, money, or family pride.
So, when parents say, “It’s our right to choose for you,” the truth is, it’s not, Islam gave YOU that right.
But Let’s Be Real… It’s Not That Simple
Even though Islam is clear, reality is messy, When a parent threatens to disown their child over marriage, it’s not always an empty threat, Some families will actually cut ties, and that’s a heartbreaking reality many people face, So,
what do you do?
(1) Try a Calm, Honest Conversation - Instead of fighting, explain your side with patience, Parents often react emotionally because they think their child is rejecting them, Show them respect, even if you disagree. (2) If you’re a woman, - let them see you’re not making a reckless decision, you’re choosing based on values, not just emotions. (3) If you’re a man, - remind them that you will be the one building this marriage, not them.
- Get a Religious Authority Involved
- Sometimes, parents will only listen to an elder or an imam, If they’re bringing culture into it, counter it with Islamic evidence.
- Give Them Time
- Most parents resist at first, but over time, they soften especially if they see you’re serious and firm in your decision.
- Be Ready for a Tough Choice
- If they still refuse, then you’ll have to decide, Do you follow your heart and risk family ties, or do you sacrifice your happiness for their approval? That’s not an easy choice, and only you can make it.
At the end Whether you’re a man or a woman, marriage should be YOUR choice, Parents deserve love and respect, but their approval should never come at the cost of your well-being, Culture fades, Family opinions change, But the person you marry? That’s the decision you live with every single day.
So, choose wisely, and may Allah guide you to what’s best….: