My baby hates me

My baby is turning 3 months next week and he absolutely hates me. I got sick 1 week after giving birth, cold & flu, and had to temporarily move to my mum’s place as we (partner and I) are first time parents and have no idea how to handle a newborn by ourselves, especially with me being sick at that time. I also had an emergency C-section so I really needed the support so I can recover quick, and my mum and siblings had been amazing at handling baby when I can’t, like for example is when my back hurts and when my milk makes my boobie engorge and hurt and sensitive.

We stayed at mum’s place for almost 2 months and when we went home to our house, we would sometimes go back and forth to mum’s whenever I feel lonely as it is only me and baby at home when my partner goes to work and comes home late at night. I grew up in a big big family and being alone by myself with baby feels suffocating no matter how much I say “I love solitude” no, my hormones postpartum just won’t allow that.

It has been great, he’s starting to be more awake and playful and we have been exchanging coos and he smiles a lot to me and no, my mum doesn’t steal baby from me, just at times when I don’t have sleep and when I am pretty tired and most of the time my baby is asleep when I hand him over to her to look after so I can do stuff like shower and eat. It’s either I put him in his bassinet or I’ll have mum hold him as sometimes he doesn’t want to be put down.

So as time goes by, he’s been crying when I hold him. He’s also refusing feed, (he’s exclusively breastfed) unless I force him to. He keeps looking up to me and pulling out from latch and cries but when my mum holds him he immediately stops crying. He refuses to be put down to sleep by me and just looks at me and smiles. It’s not just my mum that he likes. He likes his grandpa, he likes my siblings, his dad, my uncle and any other family member and friends, he even likes my auntie that we hate as she holds him carelessly and not supporting his head. It’s just me that he hates. He refuse to sleep when I hold him and immediately sleeps when everyone else holds him. I do not know what I did wrong for him to refuse being consoled by me when he cries.

As I’m writing this right now, my mum is holding him and he’s asleep. I’ve been cuddling with him and tried putting him to sleep for the last 3hrs and he just calmed down and slept when my mum held him. This is eating me alive and this makes think I’m a terrible mum. I think he thinks I’m a stranger who gives him boobie. I’m crying inside.