Deep distress and sorrow.

Hello brothers and sisters, My name is Phillip I’m 19 im a cathechumen. This is my first post on Reddit. I’m seeking helpful messages and prayers, in a time of extreme crisis.🥹 I will try to explain the issue: i lived as an atheist/ agnostic for around 18 years and a half, to put it shortly I’m an obsessive person, I usually find an hobby that lasts for around a year, where I’m extremely obsessive (I only watch videos, only talk, study and speak about the topic without realising the warnings from my close ones about the obsession) after around a year i get burned out and I find something else. I became Christian “nominally” with genuine intentions last March, I sadly went to a Coptic church where I started obsessing and on September by God’s grace I found Orthodoxy where I started to see a lot of problems in myself and I started making improvements. Before my 2 scheduled baptisms I started having massive crisis that are connected with this obsessive behaviour (the problem is that this week I realised the problem of obsession after almost a full year of Christianity) The consequence of my bad living for most of my life is that I have 0 love in my heart and it’s insanely hard for me to love a person (I can’t no matter how hard I try) I have desire with all my heart to love Christ and im enormously depressed because I can’t see any way out of my obsession and any way to love Christ. I focus on externals, I have some strange compulsions connected with repentance (it seems that after I sin I say sorry to then feel a good sensation, it’s basically like ocd compulsions) I struggle also with hyper scrupulously and intrusive thoughts (basically I can repent up to hundreds of times in an hour about thoughts or strange behaviour and i have severe ticks+compulsions) The main problem is that I don’t know how to live normally without falling away from the faith, I’m trying hard and I prayed about it, I don’t know what to do beside consuming orthodoxy online or praying. I cannot explain in words my sufferings because I want to love God but I feel trapped in a cage where I can’t go anywhere, if i start praying long prayers and focusing externals to please myself, i become deluded again; if i stay like this the pain is extreme and i can’t seem to find a way out. Today was basically the day where I broke down mentally and emotionally and I’m thankful that God showed this problem to me before it was too late. I don’t know how to live in a balanced way without externals and I desire to love. I hope if someone reads this he can pray for me. I’m genuinely curious if someone that was like me was healed, I cannot find something like my case online. I’m going to ask help from my priest (sadly there is a small language barrier but i can’t try to explain it to him) I’m open to advices and tips, feel free to write privately i would appreciate it and i would be extremely thankful if anyone prays for me. Thank you very much to you all!