Relapsed and went to bed tipsy last night. Also had a dream about drinking and driving but am reconsidering whether AA is for me

So needless to say I'm feeling pretty shitty this AM. I made it 3 days without drinking. But after I left my second AA meeting last night, and my only friend came with me for support, I got back home to my parents house and just felt miserable for some reason. You'd think it'd be cause to feel good about myself right? Well, not if you're me. My broken brain can find any excuse to be sad and build on that. And before I went up to bed, I took a few big swigs of Jack Daniels Fire.

And the strange thing is I had a dream about drinking and driving, something I've never done before and never would. Usually my dreams are nonsensical. But this one was pretty vivid in that I could see myself getting into my dad's car, driving somewhere, crashing, talking to a cop, etc. I don't remember what all I said in it, I just remember the actions. I didn't sleep well last night either, and also woke up still feeling kind of off, but thankfully didn't throw up this morning and made myself breakfast.

But what's really making me feel especially shitty is that, when I was about to leave the meeting last night and was looking at the table of reading materials they had, I saw what they called the "Big Book" and one of the organizers asked if I had one. I told him no and he just picked it up and gave it to me (you'd normally have to buy it from them). I tried telling him he didn't have to do that but he insisted and I stuffed it in my coat as I walked through the door so my parents wouldn't see it (they have no idea I'm day and evening drinking).

So yeah. That's where I stand. I don't really feel like going to another meeting because I don't want to take up space for more serious drinkers who are either homeless or been in and out of jail/prison that need a life change.