Daughters with Boomer disciplinarian fathers. How y’all doing?

My father is more like the Dad from Fences than I realized. He’s never really said he’s proud of me and I usually have to say “I love you” first for him to say it back. My dad isn’t impressed with anything. Like anything. He’s also a man of few words. One things for sure— he never missed a bill payment, I never missed a school field trip and my belly was always full. His love language is definitely Acts of Service. He’s a provider and that on all counts is enough for him as a father. He’s a provider. However, he was strong with the belt. I remember times as a young girl I was whooped without knowing what I did that was so bad. I was usually curious and used my imagination to build things or take things apart. I believe it’s caused this “fearless avoidance” attachment in me. Why couldn’t we have just talked it out and he explained to me what I was doing wrong so I could understand? Growing up, that was what the “white kids parents” did and we’re a black family so that’s out of the question. Why was it that every time he “helped” me with my homework, I ended up in tears?

Now in my 30s, I see it in me. I have to be intentional about physical affection with my husband. He loves to be near me and touching me. I like it now but at first it was overwhelming. I’m also not impressed by much if it’s not done perfectly to my standards, like my dad. I revel in the details of things to ensure perfection because my subconscious says I’ll get my ass whooped if I don’t- basically the feeling. I find it cripples my confidence sometimes because I’m still chasing this “I’m proud of you” I know I’ll never receive from him. Trying to discuss this with him doesn’t work. He doesn’t take it seriously. My mother usually finds ways to “empathize” from her childhood but that only feels like she’s diminishing my trauma. They laugh and say I’m too sensitive. I don’t have a great way to end this but if you’ve got this far, I appreciate you reading my rant.