Discussing your own death is so surreal...

F18 stage 4 ewing sarcoma, considered incurable

So i recently talked to my family doctor, and it was the first open conversation I've had about euthanasia/assisted suicide. I have brought it up before, but it was never more than a few sentences with my parents, and it was before I was considered incurable.

When I was told my cancer was back and it is definitely going to kill me I felt completely detached from all of it for a while. It was the first time I've seen my dad cry. I shed a few tears during the initial phonecall but nowhere near the mental breakdown I thought I would have.

When me and my parents later came in for a talk with my doctor I asked all the 'hard hitting' questions with the same neutral feeling. I always thought those scenes in movies where a character is having a conversation where everything sounds like it's underwater and they're only hearing but not really comprehending was just an exaggeration but that's exactly how it felt. Like there was some kind of fog between what I was hearing.

And now recently my family doctor came to my house to discuss what I want to do. She said my oncologist had told her I was 'very strong' during the initial conversation, so I'm sure it was pretty surprising for her when I absolutely burst into tears while talking. She didn't even bring up euthanasia, I did so myself, but it made everything feel so real suddenly.

She was very understanding about everything, and pretty much accepted aiding my in the process if that time were to arrive. It's nice to have someone to talk to about this, but it's also absolutely terrifying to talk about. I don't want to die hopped up on painkillers unable to move in the end, I have made that clear as soon as I started treatment. If I die, I want it to be on my own terms.

I obviously don't have any date set any time soon. I don't even have an estimated prognosis yet since the process of trying to potentially slow down the growth has only just started. But before my death sentence it was easier to talk about euthanasia and dying, since it wasn't a given yet. Now i don't know where to put all this. It's very weird.

My family doctor has referred me to a psychiatrist who specialises in cancer patients. I had one of those before, but we didn't really click. But who knows, might as well try I guess.

Hope everyone here is doing the best they can, much love

(I'd like to politely ask people not to comment about how according to their religion euthanasia/assisted suicide will make me burn in hell forever. I have absolutely no patience for that kind of thing. If you want me to respect your beliefs, please respect mine.)