"Dating: Why successful women over 50 can't find a man" (Newspaper article excerpt)
Regarding the younger women thing: I'd also prefer a younger man, but I know that that makes no sense as no sane man who doesn't have NPD or is looking for a sugar mommy would be in a committed relationship with a woman older than him.
By Katrin Hummel
20.08.2024
How do I find a man as an educated woman over 50? Quite a few women ask themselves this question.
“Men I would want don't want me. And vice versa.” As a successful woman over 50, finding a new man is much harder than you might think. Why is that? And can it be changed?
Felicitas Wepper was happy in the first two years after her break-up. She felt free and could finally do everything she wanted. At some point, however, she noticed that she was no longer invited when couples she was friends with got together. “Because I would have been a fifth wheel for them,” says the 53-year-old GP.
Sabine Wilmert can't always enjoy her single life either. “I actually feel like a teenager,” says the 55-year-old passionate sailor. “My children recently said: 'Wow, mom, now you're living all alone again, just like before'.” It's nice from time to time, she says, but in the long run she would prefer to have a partner again. The problem is that she longs for a man her own age who knows what he wants and is in life. And whose children are as happy as her own for their father when he has a new partner. “But men like that,” she knows from bitter experience, ”are looking for a woman ten to twelve years younger, and they find them, even quite easily, if they have money and a good job.”
And it will always stay that way. If you believe the science, men can't help it if they like younger women. “Men in all parts of the world prefer younger, fertile women even if they can no longer or no longer want to become fathers themselves,” says Ina Grau, who researches the development, maintenance and dissolution of relationships at the University of Bonn. This preference is innate, as with food: “We also prefer fatty and sugary foods when we want to lose weight. We still don't suddenly like salad.”
The problem is that women in their 50s don't suddenly like stale bread either - unimpressive or boring men who can't hold a candle to them. “The men I would want don't want me. And vice versa,” says Malin Lingenfeld, an attractive and successful 52-year-old who, like all the women in this text, actually has a different name, summarizing her experiences. Her ideal partner is humorous, educated, sporty and loving - but she just can't find one.
Frustrated, the designer talks about the last man she was interested in: “A friend of friends, I invited him to my house, we sat in the garden, he looked across the lawn and asked: 'Back there, at the end of your terrace, that's where your landlords live, isn't it? I replied: 'No, that's my living room'.” He was perplexed and said: “I didn't even know what kind of circumstances you live in.” Lingenfeld still sounds outraged when she talks about it. “He himself is wealthy, has a huge house in a huge park - and he thinks it would be good if I lived in a two-room apartment? He wants an inferior woman?”
Psychologist Simmer reports that this is really the case surprisingly often. And she can even prove it statistically: “Being rich, beautiful and successful is a disadvantage for women, unfortunately I can't change that.” This intimidates many men, “because a man's self-esteem often rises in proportion to his income”. Ina Grau adds from her research that it is particularly difficult for such women in the 50 plus age group.
The scientific calculation goes like this: Across society as a whole, a man's level of education is one step above that of his partner, i.e. doctor - nurse, pilot - flight attendant. Or at least at the same level. But very rarely below.
“Highly educated older women in particular are often left behind, because their age and level of education compound the problems.”
Felicitas Wepper experiences this all the time in her own environment. “It scares me a little when I see how many great women around me have been alone for a long time,” says the doctor. Sometimes she catches herself thinking: Is that it now? Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life? She registered on the Elitepartner platform and was immediately insulted by a user because she had mentioned her PhD in her profile. “I deleted my account after only half an hour", she says.
She had a similar experience with an acquaintance who she says would have been her type. However, when he found out that she was a doctor, “he dropped out; he suddenly felt smaller than he was in my eyes,” she says. He then looked around playgrounds for young moms and dated some pretty young women. From that moment on, he only ever said to her: “You have to have someone who earns much more than you, otherwise the man will feel inferior.” She admits that he was probably right: she wouldn't like a man who brings home a lot less money than her. Because she concludes from the descriptions of female friends and even boyfriends that the man would then not feel at eye level.
Wepper now thinks that she attracts the wrong men because she looks so strong and that puts off the men she likes. “But I can't make myself look dumber than I am,” she ponders. Sabine Wilmert is also frustrated: “I should actually be dealing with pensioners now. Despite my professional success, I would be interesting for them again in terms of age.” But she feels far too young, agile and sporty for that.
Designer Malin Lingenfeld, on the other hand, says that after many bad experiences with successful men: “I would now even accept a poor artist, if I could talk to him and found him attractive.” Because with successful men, she says, it's sometimes difficult: “They always want to be pampered so much, I don't have time for that. I'd rather have someone who does something for me. I may be blonde and delicate, but I'm not as sweet as I look. I have a lot of responsibility and I'm in the middle of life. Men expect me to be a little mouse, but I'm a lioness.”
One characteristic that almost all women in their 50s have in common is their realism, according to psychologist Andrea Simmer. “They don't want to yet again bring a problem home with them; they want a man who has few quirks and can lead his life independently.” For men in their 50s, however, the question is more likely to be: How do I deal with my transience? How can I sweeten this new phase of my life with a young woman?