Being Gay in a Strict Religious Family Feels Like a Prison

Honestly, I really hate my overly religious family. But I also remember that I used to be very religious too—to the point where I was homophobic and transphobic. However, I’ve now decided to leave religion behind and secretly live as an atheist in my religious family.

One day, I put on makeup with my friend, and my mom found out about it through a photo. She slapped me, lectured me, and scolded me. Then, she saw my Instagram bio, which said, "Cause shade never made anybody less gay." She asked me if I was gay. I panicked and said, "It’s just a song lyric, I’m not gay." (Even though I am gay.)

Then, my mom told me that if I didn’t "change," she would send me to an Islamic boarding school and have me ruqyah (an Islamic exorcism). At that moment, I felt extremely depressed. I have to hide who I really am and force myself to appear masculine in front of my extended family. If I don’t, they’ll either gossip about me behind my back or confront me with endless lectures about how I need to ‘change.

After that, I started skipping prayers. I used to be very diligent in praying, but now I don’t pray at all. I always lie to my mom about it. I even have to pretend to pray, just so I don’t get caught. If she ever finds out that I skipped prayer, she might slap me and take my phone away.

Honestly, it’s so suffocating to live in a religious family like this. I want to leave, but I don’t have enough money. But yes, even though my mother is like that, I still love her because sometimes she is kind, sometimes not.