[serious] new feeling thats scaring others around me. help

before i start this is not edge lord wanna be shitpost. this is an actual thing thats pushing people away from me and the ones that stay worry for me. its pretty known around my friendgroup im not the best mentally and im usually screwed over by people alot. however its usually a pattern of get hurt to hate the person to not really caring anymore and over it. however this time i talked to a friend and they asked about one. i bring up things like i dont see them as human and their life is as useful as an ants. when i said these in the past i didnt mean it. i actually ment it when it came to them. i felt no hate. no love. no anger,so sorrow. just nothing. i dont know how to explain it. at first my friends thought it may have been a split personality but i let them know its not. i want advice on what this filling could be. how to deal with it. its genuenly concerning to long time friends because they know my mental history and when you know that apired with this its concerning.