How screwed up is it that we crave attention only from the people that never give it to us?

I’ve been thinking about how my past relationships and trauma has shaped my attachment style and I find it so twisted how my brain has literally been molded to feel attracted and excited only when someone is inconsistent in the way they give it to me. It’s so fucked up that consistency feels boring to my brain.

I’ve been trying hard now to really sever some ties with people, either friendships or romantic interests, in which I’ve felt like I invest too much. I always have felt like I’m the one reaching out, which makes me feel bad, so I stop trying but after a few days or a while they come back and give me just enough attention to make my subconscious believe it’s worth it. I’ve felt excited when that one girl I like (that is flakey) sends me a message or replies to my story or whatever.

It’s twisted. In no world should that be love. Love should be consistent and steady. No games.

Bottom line is I don’t have to wait for others or try to find an explanation as to why they are unpredictable or find excuses to still be there. I deserve to be loved consistently and it’s not a negotiable for me. I also don’t have to give an explanation if I get away for good from something that’s toxic to me. That’s just the way it is. It’s better to pull away definitively from people that are not gonna fully show interest in me.