I'm giving up on therapy and healing

I have been in talk therapy for over 10 years. I have been to around 18 therapists if my memory serves me right. I've tried so many different modalities. CBT, DBT, ACT, IFS, etc. I tried EMDR with a couple of different therapists and each time it makes me feel extremely dissociated and suicidal. I fucking give up. I'm always going to be mentally ill.