Spiraling

And I really want to because why not. What do y’all have to say about it beyond “don’t do it it could cause serious injury.” It won’t. I cut lightly enough; cutting deep has never been an issue or desire. The worst is I’ll have fading scars in obscure areas.

I just feel like I’ve finally deserved it. Nothing big happened, just all the thoughts are getting to me and I am, admittedly, a little intoxicated (edit: I blacked out). Still, the feeling persists even when I am sober. It makes no difference. Please don’t offer me alternatives; I’m well aware of them. I just want to spiral. I feel like I’ve earned it after all the bad shit that’s been going on for the last two or three days. I deserve it.

ETA: “deserving” it means more like “I’ve earned it after ignoring the urges from years and recognizing that I’ll have to spend the rest of my life ignoring them.” I just want to break. Aren’t I allowed to break the way I want to?