I never really realised how detrimental a lack of play was/ forced to be still/ be a statue/ denied fun / denied flight.

I'm away from my HOO(Home of Origin) & i'm jumping up & down on a bed & rolling around on it & just running around and I realise that just like how sighthounds do "zoomies" (don't borzoi do that because they're commonly bred in small cages? Symbolic tbh) that's me. I was made to be a statue for so long. It was so fucking dreadful & painful to have to sit in complete utter fucking silence & still - DUDE. Like how they hide from fucking dinosaurs in movies? That was literally every single fucking car ride with my family. "Just stay still". The one time I did squirm & squeam is so traumatic I can tell you exactly when & where in time it is.

I potentially have ADHD too & not just the kind one develops from trauma. It doesn't really matter anymore anyway. Even that too adds to this- I was a fun loving hyperactive kid but got forced to play a sport my dad chose where I just got violently beaten. THANKS A LOT DAD!!!

But wow. Growing up- my dad was EXPLOSIVE. Like. You know how people say angry people have a short fuse? My dad came pre-lit I reckon. He was just seething the whole time. You couldn't do SHIT. No wonder I did absolutely fucking NOTHING as a kid. He'd literally storm into my bedrom just to have a crack at me & would often abuse my mother in my bedroom. When I got older I stood up to him once & he went "oh I forgot you had some thing against fighting" ???? Um... of course I do fuckhead. I was literally FOR ONCE sitting in my room having fun playing a game - something I so rarely got to do & I could even tolerate my mum intruding & venting to me & he came in looking for a screaming match & punch on. Man. No wonder I grew up so troubled. What a buch of fuckstick morons.

Wow bit all over the place but yeah wow. No wonder I get so "stuck". I'm so used to freeze. I guess healing is defreezing. It's not perfect but i'm getting there.

Wow you know it all just becomes clearer & clearer. I thought it was all normal too. That's a hard layer to peel off.