Talk me out of it

Does anyone else want their dependency to get bad before getting clean, as though it was the plan all along?

I know I should stop while it’s early (before it becomes a part of my nightly routine) and I’m taking a moderately low dose, but I could also do that later, right?

What’s sad is the pills don’t even make me feel good anymore, just different, but I want to keep escalating. Different is better than sober, I guess.

ETA: Thank you to everyone who commented on this post. I didn’t expect it to actually work but I’ve been deterred, though I don’t know how long this will last. I guess it’s good timing that the pills have started to make me nauseous and therefore easier to avoid.

I’ll look into attending a meeting in my area.